Best: Of All The Things I’ve Ever Said, THIS Is What Makes It Onto The WWE App
What, you couldn’t have used the one where I asked them if I could win a Doritos contest to punch Zack Ryder in the face?
It’s true, though. Every week now, Punk wanders out to the ring and says more or less the same thing about how no matter what happened at the last pay-per-view (insert pay-per-view here), he promises he’ll find Paul Heyman and beat him up. He’s been saying that for two months now. The thing I don’t get is that he’s GOTTEN to Heyman a few times now and beaten him up pretty badly. It just seems like it resets in Punk’s mind, and he’s always out there promising this grand thing that cannot happen unless he literally sets Paul Heyman on fire and murders him at WrestleMania. You already beat the shit out of him with a stick for a few minutes, why is a knee to the head so much worse?
Best: Tamina Snuka Sure Is Taking It To CM Punk
Hey look everybody, Big E Langston is back from his vacation in Relative Obscurity!
That’d be an automatic Best in-and-of itself, but aside from my general dismay at The Best NXT Guy losing to Punk clean in a few minutes, I really liked the match. It makes sense to have Punk beat a “big” guy, in case we’re going by WWE Universality Cycle Memory where we don’t remember any of the matches Punk had with guys like Cena and The Rock who aren’t that much smaller than Ryback or, I don’t know, the times he did it to Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker and goddamn You-manga. People who are tuning in for the first time need a reminder that wrestling characters are what they are presented as and not what you see on the surface, and an explanation as to why a guy like Punk could easily trounce a guy like Langston when his best moves appear to be a leg lift to the shoulder and a flying armpit to the chest.
One day I think the WWE Universe is going to figure out that Big E is talented and get behind him, and I hope that happens soon. Being shuffled away and replaced with Tamina Snuka off-screen is a pretty unceremonious way to treat one of the guys on your roster who can legitimately truck almost any wrestler walking. I like Ryback, but Punk/Langston in a longer form would be better than Punk/Ryback. And while I’m thinking about it, Langston/Ryback would be the match HENRY/Ryback should’ve been at WrestleMania. Just two cartoonish bodybuilders crashing into each other until one of them dies.
Best: Big E’s Sell Of The GTS
Worst: I Am Chanting ‘Randy Savage’ At My TV But Nothing Is Happening
The next match on the show was Kofi Kingston, the guy who I classically credit as the worst part of the show because it pisses off smarks who stumble into the column and assume anybody who likes Daniel Bryan likes all the guys they like, and Fandango, who lately has been the ACTUAL worst part of most shows. It was what you’d expect … Kofi managed to hit Trouble In Paradise and get the win before Fandango’s oven timer went off and sent him fleeing from the ring for an on-purpose count-out, and Trouble In Paradise landed about a foot in front of Fandango and hit nothing but palms but still knocked the guy out. So … if you’d decided you were gonna like this before it happened, you probably liked it.
I was prepared to jump in here and copy-paste in some video of a monkey eating its own poop but suddenly the screen flashes and goes REAHEAHHH and THE WYATT FAMILY is here and my brain goes exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point.
Worst: Wait, Did Bray Wyatt Just Get The Jump On Kofi Kingston And Do NOTHING?
…and then nothing.
Bray Wyatt does his entrance, talks a little, tells us to Follow That Bird and then a commercial break as Raw rolls on. They showed Kofi yelling at him from the ring but the lights never came on, Rowan and Harper never beat the stuffing out of him, nothing. Just the 3rd in a 35-part reminder to eat Popeye’s Chicken. I even had to go back and watch the WWE Fan Nation video again to remember what Bray said, which I’ve NEVER had to do. Spoiler: It was “I realized I have to beat up wrestlers.” That was seriously his point. Just a lot of quick inhales and me wondering whether or not he’s dropping the southern accent on purpose.
Best: Randy Orton, Over-Explainer
My second-favorite thing on Raw right now is Randy Orton ditching the apathetic monotone snake act in favor or hurting people as thoroughly and violently as possible. My FAVORITE thing, though, is whenever Randy Orton talks to a Bella Twin. If you haven’t been paying attention to these segments they are AMAZING in capital letters because Randy Orton is an over-explainer. Every time he refers to Daniel Bryan in Brie Bella’s presence, he says “your boyfriend, Daniel Bryan.” LISTEN TO ME, WHEN I SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND DANIEL BRYAN AGAIN, I WILL KICK YOUR BOYFRIEND DANIEL BRYAN IN THE SKULL. BOYFRIEND DANIEL. Are we supposed to assume that if Orton said “your boyfriend” Brie wouldn’t know who he was talking about, and if he said “Daniel Bryan” she wouldn’t remember that they’re dating?
This week it took it a step further, not only dropping in a “Daniel Bryan” every time he mentions her fiancé but adding a full description as well. LISTEN TO ME, WHEN I SEE YOUR FIANCE THAT SHORT, BEARDED, RED-TRUNKS-WEARING GUY WHO SAYS YES A LOT DANIEL BRYAN I WILL KICK DANIEL BRYAN, THAT MAN YOU PLAN TO MARRY, IN HIS FACIAL AND CRANIALLY-HAIRED SKULL. It’s wonderful. And then he gives her a very simple threat — she should move the wedding up, because Bryan has a match with Orton on Sunday and is gonna get hurt — but cannot let it lie. He has to explain in excruciating detail to make sure Brie understands that BEFORE Sunday Daniel will be fine, but AFTER Sunday he won’t be, because of X and Y and outta-nowhere Z.
Maybe Randy doesn’t own pants because he does this to the guy at the store. LISTEN CLOSELY, MEN’S WEARHOUSE EMPLOYEE, I NEED A PAIR OF PANTS THAT WILL GO ON MY LEGS, BECAUSE THEY’LL COVER MY LEGS, BECAUSE AFTER THIS SUNDAY AT BATTLEGROUND I WILL NEED TO WEAR PANTS OUT OF THE BUILDING BECAUSE IT’S WEIRD TO WALK AROUND IN PUBLIC AT NIGHT IN A SHIRT AND SOME UNDERWEAR.
I want more like this!
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