64 Slices of American Cheese (“Rosebud”)
What you’ll need: 64 slices of individually wrapped pieces of cheese
1. Unwrap cheese, then consume
I’ll let my friend Will, who did the actually cheese-eating (sans surrender-monkeys), take it from here:
“Mmm, sixty-four slices of American cheese.” Apparently Josh wouldn’t spring for Kraft Singles with the whole glass of milk. [Ed. Note: I bought the "cheese" I eat every day for lunch, the kind that costs $.99 for 16 slices.] What he got instead were “American Accent Individually Wrapped Pasteurized Process Sandwich Slices” with “modified potato starch,” “casein,” and “malk.” As a matter of fact, the word “cheese” does not appear anywhere on the packaging for this substance, not even in one of its bastard forms such as “cheese food” or “cheez.” And I strongly doubt this stuff was made anywhere near America.
About 10 slices in, I was pretty sure I could taste the nondairy-ness of the product I was consuming. After 17, I was pretty sure I could taste the “oleoresin paprika color.” After 23, I was pretty sure I was done eating. It didn’t take all night; it was over in about an hour. And—the biggest disappointment of all—Mr. Burns and Smithers did not fall from the ceiling at the end. I was just left with a stomach full of gurgling viscous semi-solid orange goo and perhaps a few precious shreds of my dignity.
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No pictures of Nadia? Unacceptable from the man who likes Glee.
I demand a gallery of TV’s hottest MILFs starting with Connie Britton and ending with Carla Gugino.
Pff…I’ve been safaryin’ since before you were born!
/obligatory…now off to read the piece
I thought for sure there would be a tomacco in this post. Just stuff a tomato with chewing tobacco.
I’m in the mood for cheese after reading this.
Binge eating will never not be funny. Well done.
Oh, and you should have done a Flaming Moe. Unless WG’s insurance didn’t cover it or something.
Marge: Bart? Why are you doing that?
Bart: Our class is making refreshments for Skinner’s party. These are in honor of his army days.
Marge: That explains the flags, but what about the dog food?
Bart: My theory is: Skinner likes dog food!
Marge: Mmmm…Let’s bake him a cake!
Homer: Ooh! A fresh batch of America balls! [eats dog food balls]
I just ate lunch, and after seeing that eggnog/cream of corn concoction, I might have to eat it again soon.
No Flaming Moe? And what about the all-syrup squishy (that would have to be accompanied by a video showing the rendition of “Springfield, Springfield, it’s a hell of a town…”
What about the patented space aged moon waffles?
We need a before and after picture of Will after the 64.
[www.bebo.com]
Made some skittlebrau once. Opened a beer, dropped in some skittles, was ready to drink. I didn’t realize they react like mentos and diet coke. All of a sudden everyone pointed at the beer in my hand and I looked to find it overflowing. Once it settled down I drank it……it tasted terrible.
For a bad attempt at a Flaming HOMER and the moon-waffle, see here: [warmingglow.uproxx.com]
What about purple? Purple is a fruit.
@Bobby Big Wheel & bzilla
We tried making a Flaming Moe the first time, but we couldn’t get it to catch on fire…
[warmingglow.uproxx.com]
@D Dusty
We did!
[warmingglow.uproxx.com]
Homer Simpson: Awww … 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer’s brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer Simpson: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!
I’m not sure if it’s been done, but the donut Homer made at the Kwik-E Mart that had the liquorice and full candy bar would be pretty damn good.
What about the lawnmower? Wheatgrass and vodka.
Good Morning Burger? Nuts and Gum?
I think I’m blind!
Forget the all-syrup squishee, I wanted to know what a Chutney Squishee tastes like.
Lobster stuffed with tacos?
Josh, first you say you like Glee and I think you can’t do anything dumber and then you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself!
While it may be safe, there has to be some sort of gastro-intestinal ramifications to eating vaseline.
I’ll stick with my Uter-braten and peanut butter smeared on a playing card thank you.
And I know you can read MY thoughts, Josh – meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
@Nadia and @Josh
How did I miss that! Thanks.
Now who wants to try Krusty O’s, now with flesh eating bacteria!
@Taco I love our will they/won’t they relationship.
“Where do you want these beef hearts?”
“On the floor.”
“It doesn’t look very clean.”
“Just do your job, heart boy.”
Next time: all hearts, all the time, beginning with: [4.bp.blogspot.com]
Nuts and Gum, together at last!
For round two, just remember, “More testicles means more iron.”
And if you do try Krusty-O’s, I’d make sure and avoid the jagged metal Krusty-O if possible.
I am deeply impressed at the lack of respect you all have for your bodies, but I have to make the same request I made in the first round of these experiments:
Lobsters stuffed with tacos.
Make it happen, people.
Brush your teeth with milkshakes. Instead of gum, chew bacon.
I see you have also trained in the ways of assal horizontology
Homer didn’t actually put gin in the pie.
He just used the MIX. Like you buy at the STORE. To MIX with GIN. Hence the “Tom Collins MIX”.
AND a pot pie with a graham cracker crust? Who raised you people?
/calls mom … just because
I’m a White male aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
Two words: crab juice.
Two words: crab juice.
Good luck finding Klav Kalash though. Especially considering where the guy selling them was….
@Otto Man: AND THE LOBSTERS MUST WEAR LITTLE SOMBREROS!!!
For sure lobster stuffed with taco is an excellent choice. So is creamed eel. And horse parts. also, you should try sandwich behind the radiator.
What about a simple Krusty burger? Or one of the many variations thereof. But that would require “special sauce”, meaning “go put this mayonaise in the sun.”
I know I shouldn’t eat thee
No Ribwich!?! WTF!?
“Think small…REAL small and A LOTTA LEGS!”
You should have stuck a waffle to your ceiling for a few days, eventually took it down with a broom handle, then eaten it
Mmm… Pistol whip…
What about lobster stuffed with tacos???
[www.flickr.com]
I was really hoping to see “Nuts and Gum” (together at last!)
You should have made little meatloaf men!
“We need more special sauce, put this mayonnaise in the sun.”
“Mmmm sacrilicious!”
“A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly
Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-La they are, but not
in here.”
I could go on all day.
Where is my Ham Ahoy?
I highly recommend some Nachos ala Flanders after trying these monstrosities. Also, I too was hoping for moon waffles.
WE ALREADY DID THE MOON WAFFLES. LINKED THREE TIMES ABOVE.
Phew. Where was I? Oh yeah:
“I need the biggest seed bell you have…No, that’s too big.”
“I promised I’d eat you last… I lied.”
Chief Wiggum’s Chilli
(Unless I missed this one)
ingredients:
5 gallons of water
quesosakatenango chili peppers from Guatamala (to taste)
instructions:
combine ingredients in a large pot
cook until boiling
serve immediately
makes 5 gallons
p.s. I dare you. Better yet, I dare Nadia!
What about Sloppy Jimbos and Uter-braten?
What about Lard Glug?
Here’s a little secret: it contains neither lard nor glug.
And for us vegans, there’s oven roasted cud!
“It’s wrapped in it’s own drool.”
Skittlebrau?
+1 for Good Morning Burger. Maybe good for a article part 2? Here’s the recipe:
TV Announcer: We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it “The Good Morning Burger”.
No Floor Pie?
What about Fudd beer? Or a nacho hat?
MOON WAFFLES!!! These are begging for a try IRL:
[www.hulu.com]
Shoulda made Magic Moon Waffles…
What about eggs fried on a hot engine block?
Chief Wiggum: “If we can keep these down, we’ll be sitting pretty.”
Where is:
Nachos (Flanders Style — cucumbers with cottage cheese!)
Floor Pie
Isotope Dog Supreme (Mesquite-grilled onions. Jalapeño relish. .Mango-lime salsa. That’s the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in … Albuquerque!)
Malk
Pickled Eggs from Moe’s
A churro you can eat in the shower
Hamburgers (a.k.a. Steamed Hams)
Fugu
The All Syrup Super Squishee
An entire 10 ft party sub (“Stupid sandwich, this is all your fault! Oh, I can’t stay mad at you…”)
It may be a little bit newer episode, but:
Caramel Covered cotton candy!
wadded beef!
Grade F Meat:
Circus Animals/Mostly Filler
Anyone try frying eggs on an engine block of a police cruiser?
What about the Good Morning Burger?
“We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and then soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham and a fried egg.”
You could of done 20 of these. I really really want Lobster stuffed with tacos.
What about a fresh batch of America Balls??
[simpsonsscreenshots.files.wordpress.com]
the strawburrito, a caramel cod, steamed hams! c’mon make the entire list with pics please!
I demand a LEGITIMATE attempt at making “Moon Waffles”. No half-assing it with frozen Eggo’s and caramel syrup!!!
What? No creamed eels?
What about that waffle with the caramels and liquid smoke cooked into it and then wrapped around a stick of butter?
Eww! Vaseline Bread!
Oh yeah what about Butterscotch Chicken!
Oh boy! Buffalo testicles!
What, no Good Morning Burger? How could you pass up on anything loaded with rich, creamery butter?
Hey, not all the food stuff in the Simpsons is bad. Lawnmower is actually pretty good. (Wheatgrass and vodka)
[www.flickr.com]
The kid from Josh Weinstein’s school days was probably easting Schmalz (essentially lard) or something similar on toast, it’s quite common is German and central Europe and looks a lot like Vaseline
Marzipan Joy-Joys, mit Iodine!
Rectum-Free Hot Dogs!
Next time, maybe try making a Tang sandwich (from Married with Children): [www.youtube.com]
Before you eat any foods, just remember to watch your diet..
Just inquire herbs and supplements here [www.evitamins.com]