64 Slices of American Cheese (“Rosebud”)
What you’ll need: 64 slices of individually wrapped pieces of cheese
1. Unwrap cheese, then consume
I’ll let my friend Will, who did the actually cheese-eating (sans surrender-monkeys), take it from here:
“Mmm, sixty-four slices of American cheese.” Apparently Josh wouldn’t spring for Kraft Singles with the whole glass of milk. [Ed. Note: I bought the "cheese" I eat every day for lunch, the kind that costs $.99 for 16 slices.] What he got instead were “American Accent Individually Wrapped Pasteurized Process Sandwich Slices” with “modified potato starch,” “casein,” and “malk.” As a matter of fact, the word “cheese” does not appear anywhere on the packaging for this substance, not even in one of its bastard forms such as “cheese food” or “cheez.” And I strongly doubt this stuff was made anywhere near America.
About 10 slices in, I was pretty sure I could taste the nondairy-ness of the product I was consuming. After 17, I was pretty sure I could taste the “oleoresin paprika color.” After 23, I was pretty sure I was done eating. It didn’t take all night; it was over in about an hour. And—the biggest disappointment of all—Mr. Burns and Smithers did not fall from the ceiling at the end. I was just left with a stomach full of gurgling viscous semi-solid orange goo and perhaps a few precious shreds of my dignity.