What’s On Tonight: A Fat Kid on a Rope

South Park (Comedy Central) – The boys go zip-lining. In all likelihood, they also uncover a large conspiracy run by a seemingly nice adult who turns out to have ulterior movies, because, after all, it’s “South Park.”

Suburgatory/Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23/Modern Family (ABC) – It would be cool if the “B” in “Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23″ stood for, like, bear. Or badger. That would be a fun conversation with your landlord. “So, yeah, the washer and dryer are in the basement, and rent’s due on the 1st. I guess that’s about it. Here’s your key. Oh, I almost forgot, there’s an untrustworthy badger in number 23. Stay on your toes.”

American Idol (FOX) – Tonight’s episode is scheduled to feature the contestants performing one current song and one classic soul song, but given Dick Clark’s legacy in music and TV (and Ryan Seacrest co-hosting “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” with him), it’ll be interesting to see if they try to put together some sort of tribute.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) – Someone gets kidnapped and/or raped and/or killed, then a bunch of cops sh-t all over everyone’s Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Amendment rights. The End.

Duck Dynasty (A&E) – Sometimes when I see this show in the listings, I like to pretend it’s a remake of “Dynasty,” but with ducks instead of people. I am talking a lot about animals today.

Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC) – From TV Guide: “Credit-card debt piles up for a woman paying for her daughter’s hobby; two mothers may be more competitive than their kids.” WAIT WHAT?????????????/ I refuse to believe it.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jason Mraz are on Kimmel; Sean Hayes and Paul F. Tompkins are on Conan; Jennifer Lawrence and The Shins are on a rerun of Letterman; Michael Sheen and Michael Ian Black are on Ferguson; Jimmy Fallon is on a rerun of Leno; and Joel McHale and James Cameron are on a rerun of Fallon.