As if producing an original movie titled Whiskey Business that starred Pauly Shore as a Jersey Shore-esque child of a mob boss who single-handedly saved a troubled backwoods Southern town by creating a designer moonshine called “Fruitshine” wasn’t enough to win my heart forever, CMT just went ahead a greenlighted some of most ridiculous sounding shows I have ever come across. Hand to God, these are the network’s actual descriptions:
REDNECK INTERVENTION – Each week a former redneck is confronted by friends and family members that believe he or she should return to their country roots, in this one-hour, eight-episode reality series.
CHAINSAW GANG – As featured in a new 10-episode reality series, Stacy Poitras leads a rag-tag bunch of the country’s premiere chainsaw artists who battle blades breaking, chainsaws bursting into flames and agitating each other as they manage to deliver incredible works of art—and a really good time.
FULL METAL RACKET – FULL METAL RACKET follows three generations of the Sumner family who run Knob Creek Gun Range, their family owned business in Knob Creek, Kentucky. At Knob Creek Gun Range, it’s up to the Sumner family to keep things running smoothly as customers use, try out and even purchase and sell weapons across a broad spectrum of firearms — from a cannon to a machine gun. They can even blow up whatever they bring to the range.
Holy Hell, they’re perfect. Every single one of them. It’s been over a year since I did one of my incredibly stupid posts full of TV pitches, and this is why. How can I possibly top these? I mean, the least ludicrous sounding show on that list is Chainsaw Gang, and that one prominently features CHAINSAWS BURSTING INTO FLAMES. I can’t compete with that. Best to just sit back and leave it to the professionals.
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When I saw Redneck Intervention, I thought that it might be about normal people intervening on rednecks. But, let’s be honest, the reverse situation sounds way more entertaining.
“Hey Mordicahi… you just aint the same since youse took of your ‘Skynyrd tank top and put on those fancy pants polo and kahkis outfit and started working in an office with an aeroconditioning. Don’t forget to tell your wife she needs to stop going to the “Target” what ya’ll too good for Wallmart now?”
“Dad it really hurts me that you stopped listening to you Patsy Cline and Don Williams. Hell I’d even except you listening to Rascal Flatts just turn off the Daft Punk. What Would Garth Brooks do?”
“Cletus, ever since you made manager at Waffle House you been struttin ’round thinkin you better’en us. Just cause you gets to wear a fancy clip on tie don’t make you impotent”
“Jimmy-John you just jealous cuz I got them pit passes from Jim-Bob and I took Darlene to meet Dale Jr ‘stead of you and Darlene can tell you just how impotent I is”
Not sure how long I’ll last with “Chainsaw Gang”. How many wood carvings of bears and eagles can you take? Now if they film them selling these works of art alongside the road…now there’s a show.
CMT, IQ’s aren’t welcome.
Sweet mother of God I love being from the South.
*honks Dixie horn, swigs moonshine, goes fishin*
as a man of the arts, i do look forward to catching an episode or two of chainsaw gang
You dunt been right since you gradeated oxford, summer come louder.
I’m proud of ‘Murica today.
Redneck Intervention
When I read that title I immediately thought of some kids going up to Larry the Cable Guy and telling him “Dude… DUDE… just stop. Please.”
any network airing Married With Children reruns is okay with me