An Important Discussion About ‘Stars In Danger: The High Dive’

Last night Fox aired a two-hour special titled Stars in Danger: The High Dive. The special — which I discussed back when it was first greenlit, and could be the first in an ongoing Stars in Danger series — featured C- and D-List celebrities attempting Olympic style dives in a packed arena. If a show with that description doesn’t grab your attention and hang on for dear life, kind of like a car accident on the side of the highway or a video compilation of skateboarders hurting themselves, then I really don’t know what I can do for you. You’re beyond help. This was appointment television, and I truly feel sorry for you if you skipped it. But I’m sure some of you missed this slice of television heaven for reasons outside your control, or for reasons that you now understandably regret, and I imagine you have many, many questions. Luckily, I am here to help.

Please, fire away.

Who were the stars on Stars in Danger: The High Dive?

Excellent first question. The stars on the show were Terrell Owens, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Antonio Sabato, Jr., David Chokachi and Alexandra Paul from Baywatch, Stephen “tWitch” Boss from So You Think You Can Dance?, Kim and Kyle Richards from the Real Housewives series, and Bethany Hamilton, the teenage surfer who got her arm bitten off by a shark a few years back.

Wow, we’re really throwing the term “stars” around pretty loosely these dayHOLD ON SHE GOT HER ARM BITTEN OFF BY A SHARK?

Yup.

Jesus.

I know.

And Fox cast her — a girl who survived a shark attack , and who presumably knows what real danger is — on a silly show about jumping off a diving board that they had the balls to call Stars in Danger?

They sure did.

Wow. Okay, so anyway, how was the show? Was it terrible?

No. It was AMAZING.

Really?

Well, let me back up. It was awful, obviously. But, like, amazingly awful. Let me put it this way: It was literally a show about washed-up and/or marginally famous people high-diving, and Fox aired it for two hours in primetime. It really was. I can’t stress that strongly enough.

Fair enough. Were any of the contestants actually good?

Terrell Owens did one dive that was pretty good, which shouldn’t come as a huge surprise, I guess. I mean, he was a professional athlete, after all. And Alexandra Paul did a couple decent ones, but she is not only a big-time triathlete, she also had years of Baywatch-related experience diving off boats.

Hmm. It does seem like they had unfair advantages. Anyway, more importantly, were any of them really bad?

Hoo boy.

That bad?

Oh yeah. For example, this is the dive Kim Richards did. In the competition. After a private training session with a world-class diver.

Yes. A pencil dive.

Holy sh-t.

And JWoww’s first attempt at diving in her practice session resulted in a horrific and hilarious belly flop.

HOLY SH-T.

I know.

Did she get any better by the competition?

Okay, this is the best part. So you see in that video in the last link, after her belly flop, while she is lounging in the hot tub, where she says her neck hurts? She went and got an MRI and actually had to pull out of the competition.

Holdonholdonholdon. She pulled out of a celebrity high-diving competition … with a belly flop-related injury?

Pretty much.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Right?

Oh God, that is fantastic. Who ended up winning, anyway?

Well, Bethany Hamilton and tWitch won the team competitio-

There was a team competition?!

Of course there was a team competition. Don’t be ridiculous. And Antonio Sabato, Jr. won the individual title.

All right, you’ve convinced me. This sounds fantastic. I’ll try to catch a rerun if they air it again. Is there anything else I should know going in?

One thing.

Shoot.

Antonio Sabato, Jr. — 90s Latin heartthrob and the inaugural Stars in Danger high dive champion — has a tramp stamp.

Mother of God. I need more episodes of this show immediately.

Agreed. Fingers crossed for Stars in Danger: Alligator Wrestling. Starring Nancy Grace.

YES.