Attention Grammy Attendees: CBS Would Like A Word About Your Boobs And Butts, Please

Not allowed, I think

The Grammys are being broadcast on CBS this year, and in an attempt to rein in all the stupid sexy celebrities out there with their stupid sexy butts and boobs, CBS’s Standards and Practices sent out the following memo yesterday. I have read it no fewer than ten times, and I can say with 100% certainty that it is funnier than anything that has ever happened on 2 Broke Girls. Enjoy this brief trip inside the mind of a network censor, for it is a wonderland, ironically, where professionalism and nonsense screw each other’s brains out.

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

Here are my favorite sentences from this memo, ranked from least to most hilarious:

This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

So, no breast cancer ribbons? Is that what this means? Because if it does, given the rest of the memo, CBS apparently really hates breasts.

Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack.

“The buttock crack.” This would be the funniest, super-stuffy term for a body part I’ve ever heard if I didn’t also just read…

Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.

Reading between the lines of “female breast nipples,” this sentence means (a) Men can go shirtless, and (b) Any nipples not located on the breast — be they third or fourth nipples or the torso or face or whatever — are fine. I love that this is spelled out in a memo that went out to musicians around the whole. I hope Ghostface read it.

Thong type costumes are problematic.

LOL forever.

Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? “PUFFY” BARE SKIN? HAVE NETWORK CENSORS EVER SEEN GENITALIA? DO THEY THINK ALL MUSICIANS AND SINGERS HAVE HORRIFYING VENEREAL DISEASES THAT RESULT IN “PUFFY” GENITALIA? ARE THEY SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO SEAN COMBS? I MUST KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS SENTENCE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL DIE.

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