Cynicism or general suckiness, that is the question. Were the commercials that aired during Super Bowl XLVII last night especially terrible because I'm an unfeeling a-hole, or because they were legitimately awful?
For instance, while the rest of the world was sobbing over the Budweiser horse ad, I was happily drinking my Sixpoint Resin, making War Horse jokes and trying to remember which company made the Cat Rodeo commercial from years ago. Maybe Super Bowl ads are like episodes of SNL: they're never as good as they were when you were younger.
Or, again, maybe last night's multimillion dollar crop just blew, especially these 10, which caused many a-party to grind to a halt for people to figure out what the hell was going on, followed by an audible, "WTF?" when it was done. They're not necessarily the worst ads, but the most, well, the most Psy dancing with a bunch of pistachios.
#10. E*TRADE
The E*TRADE baby made his first appearance during Super Bowl XLII, and with all due respect to the very funny Pete Holmes, who voices the insufferable know-it-all, it's time to smother the little tyke. Then again, he'll probably become a Dead E*TRADE Baby Joke meme, and that's even worse. What I'm saying is, hire Kate Upton instead.
#9. 2 Broke Girls
Not that I mind seeing Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs on a stripper pole, because I don't, though "Pour Some Sugar on Me" can be officially retired from promos now, but it should have been you, CSI: NY star Gary Sinise, up there instead.
#8. 2013 Hyundai Santa Fe
Because when you think of mid-sized SUVs, you think of a band that's ingested, snorted, and swallowed drugs by the garbage bag-full, once recorded a music video with Erykah Badu and her sister in a bathtub full of semen and blood, and released an album in a human skull. At least they got the gerbil ball?
#7. Mercedes CLA/Samsung Mobile/MiO
These were actually three of my favorite ads from the evening, but doesn't mean William Dafoe in the "Sympathy for the Antichrist," Better Call Saul selling a phone to Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd reenacting their bit from The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Tracy Morgan selling an energy drink, whenever knows full well Tracy Morgan only drinks actual electricity, wasn't weird to see during a Super Bowl.
“I’m sorry, I have an erection. I think it’s the sound of the skateboard."
#6. Coke
Oh man, who hasn't raced through a desert for some coke? /rubs nose
#5. VW Beetle
Racist, not racist, who cares? This commercial guarantees at least one a-hole named Ted in your office is going to start speaking JAMAICAN, MAN today. Maybe if you're lucky, he'll break out his Budweiser frogs A-material.
#4. Gildan
It's only a matter of time before someone reedits this commercial to end with, "Date rape: it's what's for breakfast." Probably not the vibe Gildan (a t-shirt company? I have no idea) was going for.
#3. Doritos
That goat has seen some terrible things.
#2. Wonderful Pistachios
Your grandmother's favorite commercial of the night. "Oh my, who is this delightful little Asian man? It's SO funny how he dances with those pistachios. What a NUT, he is." Sooooooooooooooooooooo 2012.
#1. Church of Scientology
This spot cost the Church $8 million (a new record), money that could have been used to finance Battlefield Earth: Back in the Goodboy. Forest Whitaker's hair doesn't mane itself.
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For what it’s worth, I didn’t hate the Bar Refaeli ad. Obviously.
An ad I had to watch twice, like the Zapruder film, because my friends decided to point out that the nerd had weird chin hair sprouting out.
And they wanted to say “she’s hot” a bunch of times.
Funny how everyone is disgusted with a beautiful woman sucking face with an ugly fat guy yet a guy being in love with his horse is cool
Funny how everyone is disgusted with a beautiful woman sucking face with an ugly fat guy despite The Simpsons, The King of Queens, and a godzillion other TV shows and movies being kind of centered on the same premise.
Uhhh, wow.
[www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com]
“Non-conformity is more than a bumper sticker. It’s a sixty-second TV commercial.”
Someone should have ran this as an ad after that one.
Try number 2.
/Back up link: [www.youtube.com]
Was I the only one who really liked the farmer commercial for Ram? Thought that was pretty damn good.
Guess I must be alone in my appreciation for Paul Harvey’s other voice work, on legendary recordings like “Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American,”
I knew that voice sounded familiar, but I couldnt place it. Anyway, I agree the Ram commercial was one of the better spots last night.
Although its hard to contend with Kat Dennings’ cleavage.
I was left wondering whether it was still halftime in America.
“Double your pleasure with a bath….TOGETHER!”
Paul Harvey is awesome.
Pretending to shill your $40,000 truck to farmers, most of which who are struggling in the current economic climate? Not so much.
I didn’t really like it. But it fit in with a big stroke fest like the Super Bowl.
I’m with you, Otto. I loved Paul Harvey, and I don’t care who knows it.
From a marketing stand point, that was the best ad during the game. It was quiet and made you pay attention unlike the trend of ads that yell at you and get really loud. Plus farmers are amazing.
I’m with The Bearded One (is that you, Jesus?), in that I found it to be the most EFFECTIVE ad of the Superbowl. Did it make me want to buy a Dodge Ram? Eh, not so much. But it certainly grabbed the attention of everyone in the room, and was pretty hard to make snide comments about.
“By now your new, improved love life should have you flinging woo like nobody’s business…”
The highlight of the night was a tweet about the Clydesdale commercial: “Stevie Nicks wrote that song about a horse too. A horse named cocaine.”
I am with you in your admiration of Paul Harvey, but I found that ad patronizing and annoying.
….and now you know the rest of the story. I loved this spot, it had soul.
I grew up on a farm and I absolutely hated that commercial. It seemed like it was two minutes long, much longer than any of the other commercials. He kept saying “GOD WANTED A FARMER SO GOD MADE A FARMER” over and over again. Over, and over, and over. That’s effective marketing if you want me to buy into god having a hard-on for farmers, not so much if you want me to buy your truck.
Scientology scares me way more than Jamaican-talking honkies. And the Budweiser horse commercial made me cry like a giant bitch.
Don’t even get me started with Willem Dafoe as Satan.
Holy shit the Clydesdale commercial had me leaking like a giant fucking sieve.
Budweiser pulled out all the stops last night, but they’re still not gonna get me to drink that Black Crown shit. I can’t even imagine how terrible that would taste.
Count me in for the Clydesdale waterworks.
And I can only imagine that Black Crown is the Bud that’s so shitty they have to use an opaque bottle.
The only think I took away from the commercials for Black Crown is that it’s beer for dark-haired people.
Black Crown tastes fine you snobby butt sniffers.
Best review of Black Crown I’ve read … “Instead of tasting like hobo piss, it tastes like millionaire piss”.
AB InBev can suck a dick for the rest of eternity. You know they sold that horse to Uncle Elmer’s “farm”.
I assume Black Crown is the Paddy’s Pub microbrew.
I was thinking that Budweiser commercial was more like “Equus”.
That scientology ad could have been a commercial for the University of Phoenix.
Maybe they are the same thing? You pay a lot of money for certificates and pieces of paper that say you can do things that no one really believes you can do. It doesn’t matter if it means you can talk to animals or the dead… or your “MBA in Finance” from the University of Phoenix.
I swear I thought it was for the first 30 seconds.
That’s what they want you to think! Seems nice and bland, perfect for middle America.
The first time I saw it, I honestly thought it was another bullshit Jeans commercial. It has all the pretentious markings for advertising a $200 pair of jeans.
I liked the VW-maican commercial because white dudes speaking in Caribbean accents makes me laugh. I don’t care how racist or stupid it is.
Yeah, I chuckled when the dude yells out “Ten TOUSAND lakes!”
I thought the point of the ad was “If you drive a Beetle, your boss will smoke weed with you.”
RESPEC DA BOSS MAN
Ya… Chill Winston!
Respect boss man!
As stupid and annoying as it was, I still laughed at Respec da boss man.
I don’t know why people would hate when he’s just informing. A licky boom boom down!
I don’t think I saw the Scientology ad or the Flaming Lips car ad. Lucky me? And the Budweiser Clydesdale ad was awfully predictable.
I definitely didn’t see the Scientology ad; not sure if I just wasn’t paying attention or if it actually didn’t air by me (New England).
And the horse ad was definitely predictable, but predictable things can make you cry too, right? SHUT UP.
That was a Budwiser ad? I thought it was for Elmer’s Glue.
I was severely disappointed that the best part of the Super Bowl was watching the lights go out.
No one ever mentions how the lights stayed on for the whole first half.
Isnt PSYs 15 minutes up?!?! ISNT IT!!??
He’s turning into the the Cherry Pie guy from Warrent. He will be doing that dance for years and years to come. Poor bastard.
Poor rich bastard
If only the 2 Broke girls ad was 10 seconds longer. . .
should have been 2 thongs stronger….
My favorite ad: The Joe Montana Stain
Runners-up: Rogen & Rudd, Bud Clydesdales
Least Favorite: Pretty much everything that didn’t have b00bs.
The Joe Montana Stain one is kind of f-ed if you think about it. The wife ruins their biggest source of income because she’s a Ravens fan. The next part of that commercial should have been the neighbors calling the police.
That’s why ads are only 30 seconds long.
(That or the 8 bagillion dollars it costs for a minute)
The VW Jamaican commercial immediately reminded me of my old co-worker/friend Kyle, from deep within Kansas, who was realllly into Reggae. Although he never spoke like that, it wasn’t a stretch to think that he could have been.
I thought it was hilarious
This post just taught me that all I need to do is see a photo of Psy to get “Gangnam Style” stuck in my head.
Somehow in yesterdays scotch induced haze I missed the bullshit Scientology commercial. Fuck L. Ron. Hubbard and Tom Cruise with their Scientology bullshit.
Im pretty sure they made that ad because Tom Cruise is running out of beards, so they need some new recruits to help mask his full blow Gayness
that dodge ram “farmer” ad was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen.
I kind of wanted to drive through corn fields after I saw that piece of shit
The only commercial that made me laugh was the one for Spicy Buffalo Wheat Thins. After that it was just shyte.
Maybe the quality of the commercials reflections the quality of the shows on a network?
It could certainly reflect the standards and practices (read: censors) at any given network. Good point.
No love for the creepy Stevie Wonder voodoo spots? I liked the “unlucky chair” one.
There was a scientology commercial last night?
Seriously that fucking farming / truck commercial was the absolute worst.
Where was the slow mo Kate Upton commercial?
That fucking farming commercial was about as close as a commercial will ever come to art. Step onto a farm sometime and you’ll know how absolutely true all those words and images are (even if they’re being used to sell Dodge pickups).
2Broke Girls must really be terrible because even after watching two hot chicks prancing around in skin tight outfights I still won’t watch that shit.
It’s a little worrying when Scientology is depicted as a goofy but harmless cult because they’re actually pretty insidious and have ruined an awful lot of peoples’ lives.
Operation Clambake lives!
[www.xenu.net]
I waited with baited breath for 4 hours while the footballing was being done, waiting, hoping. But, there was still no sign of a “Weekend at Bernie’s 3″ trailer. The world probably isn’t ready yet. Maybe next year, maybe next year.
From the Scientology ad: “Dare to think for yourself”
Irony level off the charts.
I laughed at the Volkswagon..”No frett brudda..sticky bun come soon”
At least the game was OK, as the ads suxed. Good call- the scientology ad should’ve just said “Eat your babies”.
I love how Scientology is targeting the disenchanted youth of America. Why not go after a generation that not only can’t grow up but actually celebrates immaturity while leaching off its elders, the government and society as a whole? It’s a great target audience for a cult looking for susceptible minds to brainwash. Some of these people actually trying to sell goods and service should go after Scientology’s marketing and advertising directors, because those people are intelligent.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg Kat Dennings
LOL at the fan getting tackled while Sheamus made his way to the ring.