A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that despite all the cyborg action on Archer, Sterling himself is the one who is seemingly indestructible. Dude has been through a helluva lot, both physically and emotionally. And that's to not even mention all the probable VD and the ever-lingering threat of a cumulative hangover that would most likely kill him if he were to ever stop drinking.
Guess what? This week he's up for another harrowing medical ordeal. With that in mind the incredible folks at Floyd County helped me research the many injuries and ailments of Sterling Archer. I'll term this "almost comprehensive," because -- let's be honest -- not even the people behind the show can be expected to properly document every time Archer's been shot (even though you know how much he hates that).
In almost chronological order...
Episode: Flashback during Season 4's "Once Bitten"
Perpetrator: A crazy lady who knew he'd be the best there ever was.
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 8
Episode: Season 1's "Diversity Hire"
Perpetrator: Conway Stern
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 3 7, after further review
Episode: Season 1's "Skorpio"
Perpetrator: Skorpio's underwater henchmen
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 2
Episode: Season 1's "Skorpio" & Season 1's "Skytanic"
Perpetrator: Lana, both times
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 1
Episode: Season 1's "The Rock"
Perpetrator: Night vision goggles & ODIN
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 0
Episode: Season 1's "Job Offer"
Perpetrator: Himself + bulletproof door
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 2
Episode: Also, Season 1's "Job Offer"
Perpetrator: Lana + himself + seatbelts
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 4
Episode: Season 1's "Dial M for Mother"
Perpetrator: The KGB and Malory, respectively
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 1 and 9, respectively
Episode: Season 2's "Stage 2" & "Placebo Effect"
Perpetrator: God?
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 8
Episode: Season 2's "Tragical History"
Perpetrator: George Spelvin's Sexy Ninja Sidekicks
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 3
Episode: Multiple and Ongoing
Perpetrator: God, himself, all known friends and enemies
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 0
Episode: Season 4's "Once Bitten"
Perpetrator: A random Gurpgork (aka Turkmenistan snake)
1-10 on the Life-Threatening Scale: 9
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Getting stabbed in the back only rates a 3 on the Life-Threatening Scale?
Right? seems pretty dangerous imho
The Life-Threatening Scale is no way an exact science and the author was under the impression that Conway’s intention was to injure, not kill.
9 on the middle school scale.
He got shot six times in the 10-ring w/ a .44 magnum and it was only a nine.
The knife wound left him drowning in his own blood. Has to rank higher
Just re-watched the scene. This should be a 7. I’m the worst.
That’s like a 12 in Boy Fight situations.
What about when that fox-eared asshole, Babou, scratched him on top of the moving train? That might have required a tetanus shot.
I was sure that vacuum was going to be a perpetrator in one of those slides…
I’m also disappointed no vacuum mentioned.
When was the last time Archer got to actually kill somebody, or at least beat them up? He spends far more time being the victim these days. There’s a danger we’ll forget why he deserves it.
Ummm, he spent the entire first episode of this season killing russians…
Killing Russians goes a long way.
Shot those two guys in a moving car FROM the trunk of a moving car.
Still two Russian = 0.5 Mongolians.
Wow, only a 4 for “Mangled in a Car Crash”? If you’d never seen the show you’d assume the character in the slide was dead.
Again, not an exact science. The author is bad at this.
Didn’t he try once more to convince Lana for anal while on the hood? How threatened could his life have been?
@Billy: Counter-point: If you knew you were dying and Lana was there, wouldn’t you ask for anal while on the hood?
Fugu poison (aMAZing), getting shot while blind, and Hello Razor welcome to the party.
“Hello Razor, welcome to the party” is one of my favorite Archer lines ever.
Nothing beats the taint snake.
… Can we make “taint snake” an insult? I like it.
Ooh me too. “Nice try for the Anderson account you little taint snake David. I’ve been at thus company for 6 years and no one steals my clients”
I’m not sucking snake venom out of your taint!
Taint Snake has a decision to make; Taint Snake is in limbo, is it the cave or babyville?
Seeing the paddle in #7 brought me so much joy. Even more so due to the fact it was from season 2. So many deep-running gags on this show. But WtF? No Archer stepping on lots and lots of broken glass? Due to the real possibility of HIV infection that should rank at least a 4.
How could you forget the shaving kit incident from ‘Swiss Miss’?
Emotional injuries don’t count?
Also Woodhouse has inflicted bodily harm upon Sterling at various points of the series.
Someone call Kenny Loggins.
Know what’s really crazy? We aren’t even getting into all the woundings. We’ve seen Sterling develop tinnitus from all the guns and explosions. There was the whole pirate king trilogy where he survived a plane crash. And who’s to say he didn’t get hurt in the spacecraft crash that Cyril obviously caused? Just because he wasn’t all bandaged up doesn’t mean he didn’t have internal problems and slings and casts don’t really work with custom-tailored suits.
Cyborg Barry kicking his ass,
The endless broken glass in Russia.
Both times Babu clawed the shit out of him
Being stuck in a 90 vent for a weekend followed by crashing onto the floor below.
I’m surprised Krieger hasn’t been responsible for any Archer injuries.
He is the reason Barry is back on Earth, that’s bound to get Archer hurt.
Krieger’s concoctions are probably the only thing keeping him alive at this point.
Damn, I was just thinking of making a list like this. XD
Are there badges for this? If not I’ll flip through the post but may or may not comment.
You just use us for the badges, you bastard!
I believe German scientist Wilhelm Rontgen is the man responsible for Archer’s breast cancer. Archer clearly got the breast cancer when he went to town on the nurse with the x ray machine on and focused on them.
Of all the corrections/additions in this thread, this one wins.
Dr. Rontgen along with Marie and possibly Pierre Curie, owing to his extensive flaunting of exposed U-235
With the insurance rates ISIS will NEVER make a profit.
[insert "Obamacare" joke here]
is there a better word from Archer than Gurpgork?
He blew up a boat [Skorpio] while his mother watched from The Chum Guzzler. He proclaimed “I am awesome!” I guess the epic nature of his escape is mitigated by Lana surviving said explosion as well.
I just wanted an excuse to type “Chum Guzzler” …
I am just now getting that.
Archer took 6 shots to the chest in Dial M for Mother. How could he live? He have Tony Stark’s luck?
Awww…Bilbo.
Add a few more magnum rounds to the torso!
JESUS! I have to watch season one again! Damn you booze!
No one has mentioned this so far but what about the time he was raped?
After last week’s recollection of how many times he’s been shot can anyone confirm this? Nineteen was the number I think.
Gurpgork? GURPGORK!
Also there should be an article counting all the running character deaths, like poor Bilbo.
As I go through the series again I am making note of the Injuries. I am not chronicaling eye injuries or tinnitus just ones that draw blood.
Season 1
Episode 3 Stabbed in back by Conway Stern
Episode 6 Shot in shoulder by harpoon gun, shot in foot by lana.
Episode 7 Shot in foot by Lana
Episode 8 Three bandaged wounds sustatined off camera.
Episode 9 Shot his own bullet proof door rebounded to his shin.
Episode 10 Memory chip implanted. Shot six times in heart by Mallory.
Total confirmed bullet wounds. 9 (and 1 harpoon 3 potential but off camera)
Total occasions shot 4. (and once by harpoon)