We all love to review the summer’s best films. And we like to revel in the box-office bombs. But few ever re-examine the summer’s most mediocre offerings, and really, isn’t that what summer is about? Big, boozy, action-packed mediocrity? It’s not about the Oscar race, and it’s not about finding niche audiences. It’s about profit. Giant, corporate-driven profits. It’s about putting more money into the already overstuffed-with-cash pockets of out-of-touch white men in suits. And how do you do that? You play it safe. You appeal to as wide an audience as possible, and the best way to appeal to a wide audience is to make a movie that doesn’t alienate anyone. In order to make a movie that doesn’t alienate anyone, you need a slick, bland product that hayseeds won’t be offended by “cause all them gays made ‘em think too hard and confused their tingly bits.” Big, wet heterosexual movies kisses never confuse anyone. Red and blue conflagrations don’t hurt anyone’s poor little brains.
So, let us go back to May and look over the summer’s most pedestrian offerings, shall we?
5. Thor
The summer kicked off with the grand-daddy of Just Okay, the latest nugget of mediocrity crapped out by the Marvel factory, continuing in their tradition of profitable but unmemorable films, something that they’ve excelled at since the spectacular first Iron Man. Thor was mediocre greatness: It provided a bland but muscle-bound title character played by the inoffensive Chris Hemsworth, ample Natalie Portman cleavage shots (but nothing naughty), and even an inaccurate but easy lesson in mythology. Kenneth Branaugh was the perfect director, because Thor was like a mass-produced, action packed Shakespearean film without any of that Ye Olde English to confuse your crazy uncle.
4. Crazy, Stupid, Love
The filmmakers behind this romantic comedy were smart: They combined an Oscar-caliber actor in Ryan Gosling with the mainstream friendly Steve Carell and gave America what it loves the most — a makeover story! In the fall season, Crazy, Stupid, Love might have taken a hard look at the post-divorce consequences on children, but what audiences REALLY wanted to see was Steve Carell get a new haircut and abandon those New Balance sneakers in favor of more metrosexual look. It’s like “Queer Eye for a Straight Guy” without any of the gays that might upset the delicate sensibilities of conservative America. Plus, it was demographically friendly: Gosling and Emma Stone for the younger generation, Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, and Marisa Tomei for the older generation, and that “America’s Top Model” winner for The CW crowd. Plus, it ends with a graduation speech. EVERYONE loves graduation speeches!
3. The Hangover II
I’m reluctant to put this sequel and the summer’s biggest comedy into the “mediocre” category because it’s beat-for-beat replication of the first Hangover film drove me batsh*t. But myself and other critics weren’t the target audience: The target audience were people who loved the first Hangover film and wanted a reason to revisit it. Todd Phillips gave audiences exactly what they wanted — another Hangover. Same story, same characters, similar jokes, different setting. Thailand! How exotic! Audiences left exclaiming, “Wow! That was just like the first Hangover. Because it was the first Hangover.
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And you’re so politically correct, huh? The Help wasn’t a great film, it was a good film. It did so well because it is an extremely popular book which I read and did enjoy. And I’m sure you’re so right about the audiences across the world seeing this film finding that the history of African American slavery is forgiven by eating a pie of sh**. Get over yourself dude.
Oh give me a break, Renee. The movie did so well because it’s a book? Your whole argument makes as much sense as a s*it pie. The movie isn’t great or good, it’s mediocre. Hence, why it’s on this list. It’s a poor excuse of a movie that gives people a poor excuse to dismiss racial tension in America even though it still exists today. If you’re going to make an argument against the author, do so in a way that doesn’t make you sound like a moron.
If these movies were neither bad or good, how come you only had bad things to say? And you really didnt doanything more than demonstrate your own contempt towards “mainstream filmgoers” for simply wanting to be entertained just a bit.Yeah, theyre dumb and youre smart because you write a column on the internet. I would’ve had alot more respect for this article if you had just titled it “5 movies,the people who liked them,and why I havent gotten around to trashing them yet.”
And yeah, Emma Stone is cute. No shit.
I liked Cap except for the cheeseball 5 minute action montage that crammed into the second half, felt so out of place. I heard Vader shouting NOOOOOOOOOO during the entire montage. Then I realized it was me shouting it in a catatonic state: montage ended and I’m soaked in urine with the whole theater staring at me. Other than that it was a good movie.
Seriously, this is your list of mediocre movies? Captain America was the best superhero film of the summer and was a well made film. Excellent story, cinematography, and editing.
Thor was also better than average, which would make it more than mediocre.
And Crazy, Stupid Love is the first romantic comedy Hollywood has put out in years that didn’t follow the normal formula. It was well written, superbly paced, and manages to be both heartwarming and hilarious.
I’d put this on my top 5 mediocre lists of the summer, but its just plain terrible.
Dustin Rowles called my mom the N-word, then threw shit pie on her clean front door.
Now that I think about it this is a pretty fucking stupid list.
I mean the list is fucking stupid and its’ creator is a bucket of boiling clown cum, the films are all mostly decent.
“The films are all mostly decent.”
Exactly! I think you just demonstrated my point, Wayne Jetski.
Best,
Bucket of Boiling Clown Cum
To be honest I’ve only seen Cap but really identified with him fighting off uniformed men with trash can lids so I’m defensive of the film. I’m going to quit drinking soon, just one more NFL season and I’m done for good, promise.
Every season is my last NFL season.
Drink up, bud!
I saw boiling bucket of clown cum as a winning dish on TruTV’s Top Meth Chef, that’s why it’s fresh in my skull, sorry.
I’m white and I think the help didn’t portray how bad blacks had it back in 60′s.. oh also I’m 20 and have a small dick and I went to college. Capt America also sucked because it didn’t make me feel guilty about being white,20,college educated, and with a small dick as I mentioned. I’m off the starbucks, peace.
Did someone seriously just say that Captain America was the best superhero film of the summer? The same summer where we had the much more memorable, dynamic X-Men: First Class, which actually had something relevant to say?
back from starbucks…
Agreed, I mean how can anyone compare X-men which was obviously about the ‘duality of man’ along with the deftly created parallels to the horrible injustices done to the blacks and gays by our caveman like society to a summer popcorn flick like Captain America..
peace in the middle east
“…because when it comes to 200 years of institutional racism blah blah blah blah blah blah whine whine blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Thankfully, about 100 of those “institutionally oppressed” african americans got a little revenge by beating up as many white people as they could find at the Wisconsin state fair a couple of weeks ago. I’ll bet some of those mean, racist white people (who were at the fair with their kids) would gladly have eaten a shit pie, as opposed to having their faces stomped in by gangs of violent savages.
Really, Thundernaut? How about the African-American man beaten and then run over by the white teenage racist rednecks who were bored and decided to go on their own little racist mission?
Racism is still prevalent in America, you asshat.
Only difference, lemon, is that when a white does it to a black, we hear about it. Funny how the media and people like you only muster outrage when it’s whitey doing the beatings, but a fucking mob of violent inner-city animals beating white people who are simply out with their families doesnt even move your outrage meter a single bit. Racism may “still be “prevalent” in America, but admit it, Lemon; its kinda alright when whitey gets his, isnt it?(you politically correct hypocrite)
They should have a list for medicore bloggers, you would be on it. I do agree with Thor though.
Thor blew chunks. That’s not a norse god, that’s a fucking lifeguard with bad hair.
I bet it hurts to be as gay as Dustin Rowles, did no one considere that?
I really want to agree with you, Rowles, but I’ve only seen Captain America. The theater was way too freaking loud and just pissed me off. Also, for some reason I wanted/expected it to be better than it actually was.
Thor and Cap both make the top 5? No Green Lantern?
Someone must be a DC fan.
@romica1969
Uhm, have you considered that “Green Lantern” was just plain bad and hence has no business being on a “mediocre but entertaining” list?
Haven’t seen every movie on this list but to me it seems a lot of the commenters just didn’t get the point of “mediocre” even after it was explained to them in the opening. You liked those movies? Great, but that doesn’t make them anything special. You get entertained with loud noises and big visuals and then you’ll forget about it a few weeks later.
And Transformers and Green Lantern were masterpieces right?? you don’t know a s*** about movies, fucking assholes.
“Haven’t seen every movie on this list but to me it seems a lot of the commenters just didn’t get the point of “mediocre” even after it was explained to them in the opening.”
Yeah! It’s comedy gold.
“How dare you call this film mediocre! It didn’t rock my world but I kind of enjoyed it you shits!”
And all the retarded ‘anti-PC’ guys. ROFLMAO.
sarah
Being Pro PC is something to be proud.. get a fing brain you dumb cunt. What dumb world do you and Dustin (fag name by the way) live in. Get out of Starbucks and High School live life and stfu..
and the user of ROFLMAO means you have Shit for brains.. wait for it.. here it cums.. FYI
@Thundernaut well I thought you had a point until I realized that you Didn’t!! I was in Mississippi when that shit happened and I didn’t hear about until a month and a half later when I was back home in GA. so actually they dont like to report the news about either side
Alrighty then, BigDawg; it’s alright that gangs of blacks beat white people out with their families, because some racist cracker pieces of shit beat a black guy. Got it. How about having an equal amount of disgust and outrage at ANY incident that is racially motivated, whether its by blacks or whites? It’s because ole’ whitey needs a little comeuppance, am I right?
Imagine how much better this country would be if the media were truly unbiased, and told the whole story about everything, as opposed to skewing the story to fit a liberal, “whites are mean to blacks, but blacks are NEVER mean to whites” agenda. I simply ask for the media to stop pretending that black on white crime never happens, or that when it does, its the result of “economic hardship” .
See what happens when you list these movies? You get all the CNN commenters’ attention.
boiling clown cum? FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
I agree with the movies at this list, though I lol’ed at the liberal-arts-degree social conscience of the author.
“200 years of institutional racism?” You mean because 200 is a big number? An “accurate” look at the 1960s? What, you mean a more hackneyed, idiotic look? Chock full of Vietnam, drugs, college protests, civil rights marches, Kennedys, and other moronic Boomer nostalgia touchstones that bear no relevance to actual life for 90% of the people living then?
Note to white liberals: Forrest Gump was a bad film, and educated black people hate you for enjoying it.
Hey Thunderhat- You forgot abut Wigger Wednesday in Wisconsin NOT BEING covered-so much for the biased media
For the record, Green Lantern wasn’t mediocre, it was just plain BAD. Sequel fodder from beginning to end. Also, “The Help” was supposed to emulate the book, not offer a gritty, realistic view of mid-century racial politics. For Pete’s sake, it’s practically a Lifetime movie, and is therefore going to be soft at its core. If you want gritty realistic stuff, watch a documentary.
The Help is receiving its controversy over the “magic honky” approach that suggest black people need a white person to help them. They are ignoring the fact that the Skeeter character is a woman who wnet to college to start a career instead of husband hunt. That might suggest that the film is also about the changing roles of women in American society, but that would not offer people a chance to bitch and moan about the movie.
I haven’t seen The Help… so tell me is Emma Stone that one eats shit?, because that would be worth the price of admission.