Uber popular single serving blog Fake Criterions just celebrated one year of encouraging the internet to create fake criterion covers with a year one fake criterion competition. Judges included Paul Scheer and Jake Fogelnest. And while second and third prize were solid contributions, first prize might as well have finally made the hoverboard a reality because it blew my mind and I WANT like yesterday.
My only gripe is that Fake Criterions originally gained popularity with artsy criterion covers for dogsh*t movies that would never be considered for the real Criterion Collection. Somewhere along the way contributors lost sight of this and started submitting for their favorite movies with no regard for irony whatsover. Clerks? C'MON! If you bring Kevin Smith you better bring Jersey Girl or don't even bother wasting my time.
So in an effort to help get things back to their roots (except for you B2TF2 guy, keep doing what you're doing) I've revisited the entire site and compiled the twenty finest Fake Criterions for twenty of the sh*ttiest movies ever made. You're welcome. Arguments for why any of these flicks aren't all that sh*tty to be rebutted in the comments.
Source: Fake Criterions
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Rad is one of the finest movies of the 80s, nay, ever made. The bike dance duet set to “Send Me an Angel” is cinematic gold, particularly Lori Loughlin’s man-in-a-wig stunt double.
Rebut this ╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮
@bemilm: Nice work. “Rad” is the only questionable inclusion. I’ve seen it roughly 100 times and teenage Loughlin is my dream girl. But I think we can agree that a) It is awesomely sh*tty and b) You know a lot of keystrokes.
@ Maske: Yes, absolutely awesomely sh*tty. “God, what I wouldn’t give to go ass-sliding with you right now.”
I would love to have criterion versions of almost all of these.
but fuck batman and robin.
Ok, someone explain what a criterion cover is, like I’m a Nickelback fan.
@EJ: [en.wikipedia.org]
@CJ: Couldn’t agree more.
I only take offense to Cobra being included as a “bad” movie. More like freaking amazing.
The Police Academy 7 poster is easily the best aspect of that movie. Ever. That was epic.
The ‘Music by Frank Stallone’ on the STAYING ALIVE cover just slays me.
No “Over the Top.” ????
The framing of the Batsuit Nipples is absfuckingolutely classic. Hilarious.
Love how Connery’s mustach defies two-toning.
The only two that didn’t work for me were the Cobra and Staying Alive ones–not because I’m a Stallone fan but because they still reminded me too much of the source material. They were too obvious still. Okay, no one knows what I mean except me. Fine. Be that way.
By the way, Very Bad Things is the only movie where I walked out of the theater and tore down the poster when no one was looking. That’s about .06 of my $6 matinee price back. I still feel like I need to shiv somebody.
I really like Very Bad Things. I mean it is what it is, and if you hate it, you hate it.
It was extremely disturbing, and it wasn’t funny in a conventional way, but I think those things were part of the point. For me, the movie is a deadly sharp satire about morality and mortality, the lines in the sand that we draw for ourselves, and just how little it takes for us to hop, skip, and scuff over them. The Hangover had not yet been made, and yet I think that’s what many people expected this to be. When, instead of eliciting prurient horse-laughter, it started making them feel BAD, some people got pissed off.
I guess it’s obvious that I believe there actually ought to be a Criterion edition of Very Bad Things. I can understand if you disagree with that, but I think it is unfair to director Peter Berg to say that the movie is “shitty”. He put too much thought and effort into it for that to be true.