First off, whatever you do, don’t gift anyone with free Krispy Kreme donuts and Papa John’s pizza for a year, as was given away during the “Showcase Showdown” portion of the Price is Right today. Unless, of course, you hate them and want them to die. If that’s the case then by all means go ahead.
So have you thought about what you’re going to do with all that money? Of course you have. We all have.
Now, with that said, toss all of those ideas out the window. Here’s what you should do…
1. Put the winning ticket somewhere no one will find it. Maybe Tim Tebow will let you tape it to his taint or something. You never know until you ask!
2. Hire a good lawyer. Not a Bob Loblaw or Saul Goodman type, I’m talking someone really good. In fact, rather than paying them to take you on as a client, consider hiring he or she to be your attorney and your attorney only. Someone who works for you ALL THE TIME. At least for a couple of years. Think of it as having your own personal consigliere. You own Tom Hagen. Wouldn’t that be the tits? Hell, maybe you can even hire Robert Duvall to hang around from time to time and pretend like he’s Tom Hagen and working for you. Have him send a horse’s head to your worst horse-loving enemy! Why the f*ck not?!
3. Keep 50 million for yourself and give the rest away. Seriously. If you accept a cash payout, after taxes, depending on where you live, you’ll have somewhere between $300-350 million. Is there anything, besides maybe a significant ownership stake in your favorite sports team, that any person needs more than $50 million for? No, there is not. You can put that money in a goddamn savings account and live a very nice life off the interest alone. Besides, you didn’t actually do anything to earn that money — you stood in line and bought a goddamn lottery ticket like millions of other schmucks. You don’t deserve hundreds of millions of dollars for that. No one does. Period.
Start by giving every friend or family member (perhaps even a co-worker or two) you have regular contact with a significant amount of money — say $50-$75k. That’s a year’s salary for most people. Let it be known that it’s a one-time gift. After this, unless someone is need of a life-saving medical treatment not covered by insurance, make it clear that the Bank of You is closed. From there, use the rest, which will still be an obscene amount of money, to make the world a better place. Hear about a poor family without homeowner’s insurance who lost their home in a fire. Send them a check to help them get another one. Hear about a child who died suddenly and his single mom can’t afford to pay for a funeral? Pay for their funeral. You get the idea.
This should be your job now. Make “small” donations here and there that will have a dramatic and positive effect on people’s lives. You’ll basically be Batman to the people you help. Trust me, there are much worse ways to make a living.
Oh, and one last thing — If I win, I will give $10,000 to everyone who comments on this post. My numbers are as follows: 4,8,19, 20, 22 and the megaball (or whatever they call it) number is 33.
Good luck to us all!
(Pic via Xmas Ape)
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GIMME ALL YO MONEY!!!
please?
Thanks for the cash Ape!
Whoops, guess Cajun boy will now expect 10k from me for being an idiot.
My secret plot here is that someone who comments here hoping to get 10k from me will actually win it and then feel guilted into giving me 10k, since i was generous enough to offer it to you guys.
Deal, but I’m in Canada, and can’t play. If I ever win LottoMAX I will abide by your above rules and you’ll get 10k.
I’d comment for my $10K share of the winnings, but everyone knows I’M the one who’s going to win, man. Me.
Just commenting for money
Here’s to $10 grand. That’s enough to pay off most of my bills except the mortgage. That’s all I really want anyway.
Love the site. Hope you win if I don’t.
You’re doing God’s work, Brett.
Cajun Boy, If I win, I’ll personally deliver the $10k to you.
smartest lottery article i’ve read, all the others are for morons, thanks for the 10k, i’ll do the same, maybe
I like the idea of being a behind the scenes do-gooder. Here’s to 10k! Cheers
I’m thinking about going out and getting another ticket with those same numbers. Then if it hits and we split it you’ll still have to give me 10K for posting here, thus making ME the real winner.
DEVIOUS!!!
Brilliant!
[www.youtube.com]
seriously though, great post, hopefully whoever does win it will have read this and follow the advice.
With that kind of money I could make a bet with Mitt Romney!
I won’t buy a ticket, but I’ll leave a comment.
I’m in. Hell, if I win I’ll give anyone replying to my comment 10k too. Might as well get karma on my side.
/Not really, I just crave acceptance from anonymous strangers on the internets
Mean not really about, I’ll do the 10k anyway.
Cajun Boy you are absolutely right. Very nice post. And you know what, if I were to win, consider $10k in your pocket. Thanks for the advice
To be as Batman? I’d Be crazy not to do this.
good luck everyone!
I’m not much of a gambler but I’m taking a chance this weekend.
Giant motor home and the best seats at Tiger Stadium for all of time. I would be the rich, obnoxious, bourbon swilling eccentric fan I really hope to be in my old age just earlier than planned.
This is a shameless, but ultimately effective, technique for attracting commenters.
Well played.
I didn’t join the company pool for tickets, but I commented here. Trust me, if you’d met my coworkers, you’d rather be poor than partners with them in anything.
Also, I would have added a rule not to give a cent to any religious organization.
Which fast food chain will be the employer of the future winners. My money’s on Subway.
Maybe we should all play those numbers. FYI – I would indeed use that money to buy a stake in a sports franchise. Hello NHL, Welcome to Seattle!!
Great article!
I especially loved #1
Shoot! I will be very generous if I will. First I would help my mom out and pay off student loans. And donate allot to kidney foundation, cancer research, CDH babies research, etc. no need to be greedy. That’s more money then anyone would ever need. Good luck to everyone!
I still think I’d keep a little more then 50 mill
Check please.. lol
Well how about that.
comment… go “7″ powerball
I’m just here for the free $10,000.
10K for typing this sentence? Sounds like a good day’s work to me! Here’s hoping you, and by extension we, win!
In
You get a cut if I win as well. Well played.
$650 million? That’s a spicy meatball!
Really Hope you win, got my finger cross
Outstanding advice.
I’d buy a bunch of gold and silver
I had already planned on giving most of my money to Charity (she really owns the main stage at the Crazy Horse).
count me in, If I win, I’m going to buy this website and rename as I see fit.
i want some money
One of the smartest columns I’ve read on this whole lottery nonsense; great points, if I win I will follow this advice. If you win, feel free to send me $10K
If I win, I will pay you in Fayetteville on Friday, November 23. You win, we can meet at Tiger Stadium with my tailgate krewe during a home game.
I’ll echo the sentiments about this being a good article. My first call would have been to a financial advisor, but a lawyer works, too.
I also think I’d make a large donation to NASA and have them rename it after me.
Being Batman (or in my case, Batgirl) to be favorite causes would be almost as fun as being filthy rich. Almost. But we’ve got a deal – if I win I’ll be sending 10K your way, too.
Give me these monies. Plz.
gimmme moneyyyyy
I hope you win!
Good Luck! Lawyer up and maybe snag a personal financial advisor or CPA.
i thought i was original in playing the “lost” numbers, then i saw that the creator did as well. i’ll split that jackpot 2 ways.
I would love to have a lawyer on full-time retainer, just so I could call him at three am to ask “what do you think about this Facebook post? Legal or no?”
This looks like a cool bunch. What’s going on in here?
Good luck!!!
sounds like good advice…it’s a staggering amount of money…would seem unreal.
First off… I’m reppin Philly.. 2nd I would totally recreate all of my favorite movies, using only my friends and family… I would offer them sweet rewards (MEANING BENJAMINS.. yeh, i’m from Philly and said “i’m reppin” so I obviously still use the term ‘benjamins”) 3rd…. i mean, really I can’t ask for anything more… casting my 85 yr old grams as Keyser Soze is pretty much the greatest achievement ever.
Good Luck
Lottery=Poor people tax. That being said. $keet, $keet!!
I’ve got a reservation ready. 2 billion commanders palace lunch special martinis. You’re welcome to join me if you can keep up.
Commenting for Cash Money, y’all! SKEET SKEET!
Good luck.
Good luck to you, sir!
I could see myself doing this. And whatever was received would be split down the middle with my husband anyway.
My thoughts exactly! Love the, give all but 50 million away idea. I have made lists, many times, of who will benefit from my “Big Win”. Thanks for the advise!
I like these ideas.
Good luck
Good luck! I wish I lived close enough to drive to a state to buy a ticket.
I will use some of the $$$ to finally visit New Orleans. And yeah, you get $10K if I win.
I guess I gotta see da special man
I think I have to comment. $10k will help with student loans.
I’d actually honor my contract for the new gig and teach college next year even if I won. After that, though, all bets are off.
I’d also hire an old friend of mine to be my private pilot, and would definitely get my own consigliere.
I’d pretty much do exactly as you recommended, except I’d also involve accountants along with the lawyer and I’d only give money anonymously to keep the blood out of my water. I say this having never actually bought a lottery ticket, so what do I know?
Oh well…we didn’t win guys.
cant remember the last time i saw 80 comments on here
I didn’t comment because I assumed I’d be in line for 50K.
I was thinking more like 25.
I’ll settle for 5k and t’shirt.
d00d I would pay off the mortgages of my friends, make sure my elders live comfortably, and pay for the education of all my younger peeps. After that I would start up a foundation that implements “common-sense” tactics to further civilization, i.e., vertical farms, clean energy, elimination of all petroleum-based products from human life, etc.